The Unfairness of Breaking Cycles by Waseem Amin, LPC

It is exceptionally difficult to tolerate unfairness in any of its forms. No matter the context or scale, there is comfort in believing that the world is predictable, that benevolent actions are rewarded, and that harmful actions are punished. It makes such logical sense, but the universe subscribes to no such logic. The type of unfairness I’ve been thinking about lately is when you’re the first in your family to start breaking intergenerational trauma cycles. More specifically, I think of eldest daughters (or just oldest AFAB individuals) in Arab and POC families. A lot of my Millennial and Gen Z counterparts have been embarking on this arduous healing journey. I see my generation challenge the status quo, critically examine our cultural and traditional practices when they overlap with harm, and ultimately create new ways to engage in communal and familial relationships while intentionally leaving behind harmful norms. It’s difficult and meaningful work, yet it can sometimes feel as though no good deed goes unpunished. 

The person seeking to heal their wounds and break out of toxic interpersonal patterns is often met with resistance from others in their life, whether that resistance is conscious or not. Healing does not happen in a vacuum, however, so dropping every relationship that ever caused duress is counterproductive. This is where an odd crossroads emerges. Honoring your autonomy means knowing that you can leave any relationship for any or no reason. Citing harm to yourself as the reason why validates that decision even further. On the other hand, many people are not willing to lose familial or otherwise close relationships, even when they’ve caused considerable emotional harm. What then? Is the only recourse to accept pain if you want to preserve those relationships? 

It hardly seems fair that your reward for self-improvement is an ultimatum between different types of hurt and labor. This is the reality we live in, though. If you’re the first in your family or community to prioritize mental wellness, learn emotional regulation skills, and practice effective communication strategies, you also become the first person trying to introduce this knowledge into a system that treats them as alien or intrusive. Every now and then you might strike gold when a loved one wants to do the same type of work, reciprocating your efforts to create better relationships. The rest of the time, if you want your relationships to improve, you need to take initiative and follow through to create that change. Whether or not that should be your responsibility, impactful change often begins with the first person willing to apply it. 

In practice, this translates to a lot of teaching and a colossal amount of patience to match. This is because breaking a cycle isn't only about changing yourself; it's about becoming the person who introduces new ways of relating to others. It’s essentially an emotional marathon. When you understand that your mom’s reflex to give unsolicited advice is not malicious and is just a well-hidden blindspot, you calmly share how it affects you and what you need instead — knowing that this would be the first of numerous iterations of this conversation. When a friend uses outdated language that comes across as homophobic, you stay composed and bring them into the loop rather than write them off immediately — also knowing that this won’t be the first or last time that they mess up. You do this not because anyone is ‘owed’ your kindness and patience, but because you know this is the only path to a more compassionate world for yourself and others. 

Sure, it’s not technically your responsibility to educate anyone on how to be a good parent, friend, ally, or what have you.. but if no one’s sharing that knowledge, and there are people who don’t even know that knowledge exists to seek it out, then how can we feel entitled to a society where it’s already known? If it’s no one’s responsibility, then it’s everyone’s responsibility. Bear in mind that none of this means you’re obligated to endlessly educate everyone else at your own expense. In fact, it’s even more vital to honor your capacity and needs when trying to help others so you can avoid feeling like you’re pouring from an empty cup. Within the balance of these two realities lives a compassionate and sustainable way to move through the world: one that allows for patience and kindness to lead interpersonal and communal change while recognizing how bitter and exhausting it can be to break cycles. 

Although rewarding, this work brings with it the unique loneliness of doing something before others around you understand why it matters. It may mean having the same conversation dozens of times, setting the same boundary again and again, or choosing curiosity over resentment when resentment feels so much more appealing in the moment. None of this is fair, but every time you choose patience despite having every right to walk away, you dissolve a little more of the unfairness at the very root of these cycles. Choosing kindness means choosing not only to heal yourself, but to also create a blueprint for everyone who comes after you. 

Waseem Amin, LPC

To schedule an appointment with Waseem email us at : info@ashleypetersoncounseling.com