Complaining for the win

You’re Allowed to Complain

Recently, a client told me she felt bad about complaining. She felt like voicing her frustration meant she wasn’t being grateful—and that hit something deep in me.

How many of us have been taught that expressing discomfort somehow cancels out our gratitude? That if we say “this is hard,” we’re being negative or dramatic or ungrateful?

Let’s clear something up: complaining is not the enemy of gratitude. You can be grateful and tired. You can love your life and feel frustrated by the systems and schedules that make it hard to live that life. You can appreciate your job, your home, your relationships—and still want to scream into the void sometimes.

In fact, I think you should complain.Not necessarily online (though I know that’s a thing), but to yourself. In therapy. With trusted people. Even into a voice note that never gets sent.

Because complaining—venting, processing, naming—isn’t about fixing something.It’s about making it lighter.

What Complaining Actually Does

For many people, especially neurodivergent folks, complaining is a way to process emotions. It helps externalize the overwhelm, confusion, or frustration that builds up from living in a world that doesn’t always accommodate nuance.

I often use the emotions wheel in session to help clients go deeper. That initial complaint—“I hate that I have to work so much”—might actually be covering feelings of exhaustion, disappointment, hurt, or resentment.Getting curious about what’s under the complaint gives us clarity.

And clarity leads to self-compassion.

Why People Feel Guilty About Complaining

There are so many messages—explicit and subtle—that shame people for naming their pain:

• “Other people have it worse.”

• “At least you’re healthy.”

• “You should just be thankful.”

• “Don’t be so negative.”

• “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.”

Whether these messages come from family, religion, culture, or therapy itself, they teach us to suppress rather than express. To suck it up. To suffer quietly. And over time, that suppression creates more harm than good.

Especially for women and femmes, this silence shows up in the body.Unspoken frustration turns into tension, fatigue, burnout, chronic stress. Complaints don’t disappear just because we bury them. They just get heavier.

There Are No Bad Emotions

We do ourselves a disservice when we categorize emotions as “good” or “bad.”Frustration isn’t bad. Resentment isn’t wrong. Anger isn’t shameful. These feelings are information—and complaints are often the first clue that something is off.

When clients start apologizing for complaining in session, I stop them.This is the space for that. It’s not negative. It’s necessary.

Sometimes we’re not even upset about the hard thing itself—we’re upset because we have to carry it alone. And that loneliness? That lack of support? It’s frustrating. It’s disappointing. It’s valid.

A Nuanced Take

Millennial Eclectic Therapy® is rooted in nuance. In permission. In reclaiming your emotional landscape from the noise of “shoulds.”

You get to define your own experience.

You get to say, “This is hard,” even if you have good things in your life.

You get to complain—even if nothing changes afterward—because you matter, even when you’re not being chipper or productive or grateful.

So the next time someone tells you to be thankful? Try this instead:

“I am grateful. And this still sucks.”

Both can be true. Let yourself hold both.

<3 Ashley